Kaimana beach is a small beach at the far edge of Waikiki and far enough to enjoy with more residents than tourists. But I realized something in the past several months and that was that I stopped going often to almost, NEVER. After coming back from Kaimana beach for the first time in ages, I realized what it was. Itʻs that every time I was there and every time I left, I felt more and more pathetically alone.
In a city of almost 350,000 people….I felt lonely in Honolulu.
Jumping off an old pier in Hawai’i. Credit: Unsplash
Wait, lonley…in Hawai’i?
Now generalizing an entire city like this just feels strange yea? Well, look I the entire island is a different thing as itʻs not the island, JUST HONOLULU. Iʻve lived here for four years and in all the places I have lived and especially the places Iʻve traveled, this is the most lonely I have ever felt. Itʻs crazy because in a multicultural city of almost 350,000 people, you would think that itʻd be EASY. Not quite and Iʻm come to the reality that, itʻs really not just me.
Still doesnʻt make sense?
Well let me explain the top SEVEN reasons why it does:
High Makamaka
n. In Hawaiian Pidgin, this simply translates to stuck up.
To be brief, there really is no middle class here. Youʻre either homeless to doing alright in whatʻs considered the lower class. And then you just…have money, BIG MONEY.
And while I am not saying everyone with money here is stuck up, generally a person with a big house in Hawai’i Loa ridge on Oahu walks much taller than everyone else. (Okay, not every single rich person but you get the point)
What does this have to do with loneliness? Well, Itʻs quite hard to make friendships and pure connections with a class of people who are too good for you. Who wouldnʻt make the time of day for someone on a lower class like myself. Well in my case, a budget traveler living paycheck to paycheck. (Yep, I have no shame.)
There are Teslas nearly EVERYWHERE in Honolulu.
But even people in the lower class some people come off stuck up. From local Japanese, local haoles, to transient college students. Which has lead me to conclude that, living in Hawai’i emanates a high class mindset.
As if living here generates a great privilege to an individual that not everyone can say they have and that in my opinion is super toxic.
Now I will say, this excludes many native Hawaiians I have met as to no surprise, have their guards up with who they meet, but as like the rest of the Pacific, show aloha, receive aloha. (More on Native Hawaiians later on)
Itʻs Very Cliquey Here
Every time I hit Kaimana beach, I analyze people in their groups and they reflect just about what exists even outside of the beach. You have the local asians who keep to their groups. The college transients who typically stick together. My age group which usually have their little group of friends. And of course, the families and their little groups that stick together in their community for their kids.
Friends stitting together on a beach in Hawai’i. Credit: Unsplash
This is the most cliquey place Iʻve ever come to know!
Long I miss the days where there were just individuals and small groups of people that natural came together regardless of where they came from, and just became friends. But here, every group has a firm establishment within themselves. They say, that no one wants to befriend anyone who isnʻt here permanently. And I guess because the turnover rate is so high in Honolulu, the cliquey mindset…itʻs quite obvious and obnoxious!
But I donʻt necessarily think this is ENTIRELY the reason! Which brings me to my next point!
Many groups hanging out near Waikiki Beach, Easter Sunday 2022
Time Is Of Great Value
In these four years living in one of the most expensive places in the USA, itʻs not weird to say that itʻs really hard to afford to live here. Itʻs also not uncommon for one to have two to three jobs (or work one 40+ hours a week.) With that being said, people are just generally too busy trying to make ends meet. Could be a single individual like myself to head of household in a big family here.
A short two day trip to Haleakala on Maui was no easy task to accomplish financially while living in Hawai’i.
I canʻt speak for anyone else but for me, Iʻm typically exhausted by the time I have a day off and donʻt have much funds left after paying living expenses. So I am anything but trying to spend on eating out or having a night out on the town.
Superficial Friendships
In an age of social media, clout, and materials, itʻs hard to make connections with people who can enjoy simplicity. Like just talking story at the beach, picnicking at a park, or just hanging out for a coffee. In every place Iʻve lived so far, be in from New Zealand to the mainland, it was far simpler to just meet up and hang out. That doesnʻt seem very possible here. Add a couple of these other mentions on this post, forget it.
Groups hanging out at China Walls, Oʻahu
High Turnover
A common reason why it may be difficult to find and make friends here, is that locals are used to the same story over and over by outsiders. They come…then they go. Hawai’i, namely Honolulu has an insanely high turnover rate of outside residents who come to experience the dream life of Hawai’i, until the realize first hand how unaffordable it is to live here, and in a year or several years later, leave. Locals just donʻt really give a shit about investing time in people who arenʻt really going to stay. In other places Iʻve been where there were transients, itʻs different. But in Honolulu, there is a unique formula to where that doesnʻt work for people.
Tourists hanging out on Waikiki Beach
Attitude towards Tourists
Tourism is one of the biggest if not the BIGGEST source of revenue for the Hawaiian islands, and to many including Native Hawaiians, wish that could be different. People from around the world come here from Europe to Japan. But its mainy mainland tourists that receive the worst of welcomes. Mainland tourists come to Hawai’i with an attitude and mindset that they have to have it their way. I flew all the way here and spend X money to be here so I need blah blah blah.
Quite extreme, but itʻs a sad truth that has ruined the reputation for tourism from the inside out. And because tourisms dominates the economy without a locals say, people can generally be bitter. At least the ones who believe in other forms of sustainability.
How the Overthrow of the Kingdom Is Still Felt Today
Sadly the population of Native Hawaiians is a mere fraction of what it SHOULD be, meaning this blog point is a fraction of the rest of this blog. But I note this because I have spend these years here seeking to connect with native Hawaiians to learn from their and of their culture and have to say, they are the most wonderful people you will ever meet. But they are the most guarded and protective people culturally.
The language was banned in schools, the kingdom was overthrown, and imperialism has strip away much of the land. So Native Hawaiians are generally only welcoming to those who actually give a shit to show aloha, respect, and care for them and their culture. More importantly, respect for what they want and value, that is their land and perpetuating their culture.
I know what youʻre thinking…
…”You just have to put yourself out there and meet people”
Well, does it look like Iʻm the kind of person that keeps to himself 100% of the time? I mean I am an introvert by nature but look at this entire blog and my Youtube channel. I am a world traveler who seeks connecting with people, both travelers and especially locals themselves. From adventures and excursions to home and village stays.
Hawai’i is no different from that social butterfly side to me. But Hawai’i is unique in that is has so many social obstacles, many of which I mentioned above. I mean I truly thought I had issues up until my dad came to visit Hawai’i in 2021. At Kaimana beach, my dad made the note that people seem really into themselves or closed off here. And while I know he wasnʻt generalizing all of Hawai’i, he did make the observation about social blocks here that I had a hard time understanding for many years.
Itʻs just socially difficult to be here, and thatʻs just what it is.
So What Should One Do to Not Feel Lonely Here?
Do one of two things:
Work twice as hard to make connections out here!
OR
Focus on other important aspects of your life while youʻre here. (If you have any!)
My Final Thoughts & How Iʻve Dealt With Loneliness in Honolulu
For a while it bothered me about the social aspect of life here. As I mentioned earlier, I thought I was the one who had issues. That was until I realized that itʻs not me.
There came a point where I realized my own priorities other than trying to survive in the most expensive state in the US. Itʻs that alike anywhere in my travels, I was hungry to learn about Hawaiian people, their language, and culture. Which meant, my priorities were not to work twice as hard to make friends at the beach, but to do what I felt was far more valuable….learn everything I can about Hawaiian culture.
….like in this image below 🙂
Do you live in Honolulu? What are your thoughts on social life here?
Donʻt forget to check out some of my other Hawai’i blogs.
….a hui hou!
